


Big Bangs and Black Holes

by finch (afinch)



Category: AT&T U-verse Commercial Polite Dinner, Big Bang Theory
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-17
Updated: 2012-12-17
Packaged: 2017-11-21 09:11:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/595993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/afinch/pseuds/finch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It all makes perfect sense. They're all aliens and this is their practice run ...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Big Bangs and Black Holes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [debirlfan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/debirlfan/gifts).



> Yes, I did do a big fandom crossover, but your letter gave me the bunny and it wouldn't go away ...

The spaceship hadn't crashed, which was lucky, considering the amount of fighting of the 4 aliens inside. 

"We're landing in America, and their culture seems to dictate that the men are the heads of the family, thus I shall be the husband, as I'm the smartest."

"We have already had our assignments handed out," said another with a frown. "I am the matriarch, a soothing calming force in the most harried of families. I do not know what that means."

"It means you don't have the dangly part," said yet another. "And I do, which means I'm the head. You have the subservient elder role."

"That's not fair!" Whined the first alien. "I'm the most intelligent out of all of you and I'm to play the young spawn?"

"I'm the young spawn with spherical globs attached to my chest. Research is telling me I should fondle them often," chimed the last.

"No the ones with dangly bits are supposed to fondle the globs of the ones with no dangly bits," said Head-Alien. "You didn't do your research properly."

"Haha," said Matriarch-Alien, delighting in the scolding of a fellow alien, despite both of them inadequately researching.

"Our names have been assigned, though these are only placeholders until we are modified into our correct forms," Matriarch-Alien read off the assignment sheet. "It also says to expect to be separated across all corners, to fully gain knowledge of the hoomans and their technological ways, but we will be united to fulfil our mission when the time is right."

The four aliens looked at one another at that. They had been sent on a mission to create a black hole and destroy the planet Earth. For no other reason than it was entertainment for their culture to wipe out emerging alien races. And the hoomans were slowly gaining entry into space. It would be a danger to allow them to continue. 

"I still must protest this assignment," said the first alien, the young spawn. "This is highly illogical, are you sure you read that correctly?"

"I read it just fine!" snapped the Matriarch-alien. "Now come on, we are here, we have our assignment and a home allocated to us. So, _Honey_ -" he turned to Head-Alien "-why don't you carry your bride across the threshold, as is custom for new couples in homes. Spawns, you get the luggage."

"That means the non-dangly bit spawn," said Young Spawn. "I read that even children without dangly bits are used for menial tasks around the house, while the spawn that matches the Head is revered and respected, despite the age difference. There are many things you will find are unfair, _sister_."

"What?" Protested Young Spawn With Spherical Globs Attached to Chest (hereinafter called Sister-Alien). "I think you're just picking on me because I didn't attend the highest level of Earth training and you guys did! I still know things! I shouldn't be the weakest hooman!"

"Aww," pouted Head-Alien mockingly. "We cannot help it we are so much better than you. Now go get the luggage."

Matriarch-Alien looked to say something, but stuttered, and was staring after Sister, looking worried.

"What is it, _Darling_?" asked Head-Alien, following Matriarch-Alien's gaze.

"The spherical globs. Something is shorting in my processing when I look at them."

"Oh, no, _that's_ not going to be problematic," said Young Spawn, eyes rolling dramatically.

Sister-Alien looked down at the body, then back at Matriarch. "You've got them too, but mine are better defined. Sexier, I think, is the word for it. Maybe your problem is that you're just jealous I get a better body."

"We'll figure it out later," said Head-Alien. "Come on, we're already behind schedule and we've only been here for 2 teklackics."

Matriarch-Alien nodded, but still looked exceptionally worried.

*  
With the television clicked off (they had 7, one in the living room, one in the dining room, one in the kitchen, and one for each of them in the bedrooms - to further their cultural understanding. Understandably, each of them had a differing viewpoint on it, but there were times when they all came together to study Earth's ways), the "family" was settled down for dinner. 

"It's really delicious, Mom," said Sister-Alien, giving Matriarch-Alien a slight nod. They had been on Earth for 877 of their introductory 1000 teklackics. It worked out to just under an Earth week. Matriarch-Alien was still malfunctioning with the spherical glob 'breast' short-circuit. To circumvent this, Matriarch-Alien never spoke to those with the breasts, which made making nice with the people in the neighbourhood a bit difficult. It meant Matriarch-Alien was unable to to speak to Sister-Alien. Head-Alien had fired off communications to The Company, who were supposedly working on a solution. 

Head-Alien politely acquiesced to Matriarch-Alien's deflection of Sister-Alien, who didn't seem perturbed by it at all. Sister-Alien was adjusting to the subservient role nicely, and Head-Alien recommended a role that suited that. The diary was a bit disconcerting, though. Sister-Alien had a fascination with the female human form (they had been spelling it incorrectly all this time, though the English language left a lot to be desired). Head-Alien was worried that this fascination would be imprinted into whatever form Sister-Alien took next.

As for Young Spawn, Head-Alien knew the corrections in the diary would be many. Young Spawn had a vast intelligence that would almost certainly carry over. It was good, it was the purpose of their mission after all, to gain entry to the country's most technological devices in order to wipe them. Head-Alien just feared that this exceptional intelligence would be off-putting, as it was on their home world. Some things _were_ universal. Nobody likes a know-it-all.

As for Head-Alien, the definitions were not so easily defined as the others. It was a good thing, it meant acclimation would be swift and easy. It meant little to no changes to his programming. Head-Alien smiled as their communication around the dinner table went off without a hitch. No errors, no glitches. They were nearly ready.

"After our final meal tomorrow, we'll get our official assignments," Head-Alien said, looking solemn, yet proud. 

" _Finally_ ," said Sister-Alien, fondling the breasts. "Gonna miss these though I hope I get a male body next. Stare at these things all day and daydream about putting my penis-"

"Your immaturity is, I hope, going to be wiped out," said Young Spawn. "You are a sexist pig. I made notes in your diary where that was the case. I severely suggest you study them before tomorrow. With any luck something will stick."

"Stick, hahahaha, stick. I hope something sticks-"

"Young Spawn is right," said Matriarch-Alien. "We may not be activated for over 1.3 million teklackics. That is a long time for the women of Earth to put up with such nonsense." Of course, Matriarch-Alien directed this at Young Spawn, who only beamed.

Deciding to end a certain fight before it began (both Young Spawn and Sister-Alien had opened their mouths to argue), Head-Alien raised a glass. " _Arevna,_ to our successful mission."

"Arevna!"  
"Arevna!"  
"Arevna"


End file.
